Boundaries

Being a positive parent is rooted in reality. They don’t ignore when the child crosses a boundary, limit, or rule. Instead, the parent understands that if they want to teach the child, they must be willing to look within themselves.

The parent must also model every boundary put in place, otherwise, the child will not take the limits seriously. For example, if you ask your child to clean their room but your own is messy and disorganized, your child will call you out on it. They will say, “You tell us to clean our room, but look how messy yours is.”

You cannot set a boundary that you don’t have yourself. Just like the connections we create with our children help them feel safe, healthy limits also allow them to feel secure.

Two questions to ask yourself:

Does the boundary serve both you and your child’s higher self, not just your ego?
Is the Boundary negotiable or non-negotiable?

Is the ego showing up? Some ways to tell is if you patronize, talk too much, yell, condescend, become self-righteous, passive-aggressive, or engage in martyrdom. How to know if your boundary is rooted in ego or love?

Here are some additional questions to ask yourself:

Are you afraid of unknown or adverse outcomes that your boundary might cause to happen? Yes/No

If yes, what is your inner child really afraid of? Let’s explore that fear. There are many types:

Fear of control. You feel your child will crumble if you’re not with them at all times and as if you’re abandoning them.

Fear of scarcity. Somewhere in your DNA, you harbor a belief that the universe’s resources are in short supply. We think there is a shortage of goodness and wealth. That there is not enough love.

Fear of saying, “Yes.” Most of us who grew up in homes where love and attention were limited fear saying “Yes” too much in fear of losing our soul. You can say “Yes” and still have boundaries.

Are you trying to avoid confrontation? Yes/No

If yes, what is your inner child really afraid of? Let’s explore that fear. There are many types:

Fear of being unloved. “I can’t say that to my child, husband, boss—what if they don’t love me?” When we are afraid of not being loved by our children, we try and buy their love. We find it difficult to create boundaries, be consistent, and be firm with our kids. We interpret their push back as rejection.

Fear of conflict. You can’t say “no” to your children. We jump in preemptively to rescue them. We can’t tolerate sibling rivalry because conflict means abandonment and betrayal. We can’t set firm boundaries, so we become a pushover, pleaser, martyr, victim, or doormat. We don’t see conflict as powerful, growth inducing, or natural.

Fear of unhappiness. We are afraid to make them unhappy. We seek to fix them or cheer them up, but may end up belittling them for being vulnerable or not empathizing with them. We also aren’t letting them deal with conflict, learn, grow, or cope with pain.

Are you afraid of angering your children? Yes/No

If yes, what is your inner child really afraid of? Let’s explore that fear. There are many types:

Fear of being unworthy. If you don’t feel worthy of having a team or worthy of being empathized with, you won’t create that reality. You need to model for your children how it looks to be honored and proud of your worth.

Fear of being independent. You won’t say “no” to your children unless you believe you’re an autonomous being, able to be a leader and not afraid to walk alone. A good leader has a strong vision, knows their values, creates boundaries, and doesn’t need followers. They want everyone on their team to be happy, connected, and purposeful.

Are you afraid of rejection? Yes/No

If yes, what is your inner child really afraid of? Let’s enter that fear. There are many types:

Fear of being ordinary. When we keep pushing our kids to achieve, what we’re really afraid of is being ordinary ourselves. Children need to be seen and honored for who they are.

List all your childhood wounds. Use the following checklist to fill in the following:

…is triggered from your childhood because it reminds you of when you were unmet, unheard, and unseen as a child.

Fear of being

(1) ___________________________________

(2) ___________________________________

(3) ___________________________________

(4) ___________________________________

(5) ___________________________________

Create boundaries on respecting their environment-

How clean do you want your child’s room to be, given their age and development? Remember to set realistic expectations according to their age.

How clean is your room? Create order by minimizing clutter and putting things out of sight in baskets, closets, or their designed location. Tackle each part of your home, so it models the mantra, “I respect my environment.”

How can you create the conditions that will help your child clean their room? Do you need to help your child organize their room better? How can you declutter your child’s room to keep it easy to clean-up? Please help your child pick up their room so that they can practice the correct behavior.

Since the boundary is non-negotiable, can the method behind the act itself be negotiable? Is there more than one win-win solution to do it? Give your child the same respect, self-worth, and independence that you wish you had as a young child by letting them do it their way, not just your way.

Create boundaries on family and community respect-

What skills are you trying to teach your child? How can they respect their family members and community?

How do you respect your family and community? Do you respect everyone in the home? How about the cashier at the coffee shop or the neighbors? Remember, your children are watching.

How can you create conditions that help them respect their home and community?

Create boundaries on education-

How will you measure your child’s success in school? Do you focus on their strengths? Help them with their homework? Teach them responsibility for their projects and class assignments?

How do you respect education in your own life? Can you teach them that you make mistakes and are still growing as an adult?

How can you create the conditions that help them focus, study, and feel confident in their abilities?

Create boundaries on hygiene-

Do you want your child to shower, bathe, or brush their teeth every day?

How many showers or baths, do you need to feel clean?

How can you create the conditions that help them enjoy taking a bath, shower, or brush their teeth?

Create boundaries on sleep hygiene-

How many hours of sleep does your child need to feel rested and in control?

How many hours do you need not to feel burned out?

How can you create the conditions that will provide them this?

Works Cited

Tsabari, S. (2016). The awakened family: How to raise empowered, resilient, and conscious children. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

Boundaries(PDF 3mb)

Boundaries

Two questions to ask yourself:

Does the boundary serve both you and your child’s higher self, not just your ego?

Is the Boundary negotiable or non-negotiable?

Are you afraid of unknown or adverse outcomes that your boundary might cause to happen? Yes/No

Are you trying to avoid confrontation? Yes/No

Are you afraid of angering your children? Yes/No

Are you afraid of rejection? Yes/No

List all your childhood wounds. Use the following checklist to fill in the following:

Create boundaries on respecting their environment-

Create boundaries on family and community respect-

Create boundaries on education-

Create boundaries on hygiene-

Create boundaries on sleep hygiene-