Leave Your Training at the Door

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When you are trained in trauma-informed practice, the goal is to create an environment where children feel heard and valued, free from judgment. However, this ideal was starkly contrasted by the experiences under the management of a unit manager at the group home where I worked. This stark contrast became evident in the story of Alex Lara, one of the first residents I connected deeply with.

Alex, a freshman in high school, faced relentless bullying and neglect, yet he found solace in our daily interactions. Despite my efforts to advocate for him, the system failed Alex in ways that still haunt me. His story is a testament to the critical need for compassionate leadership and genuine care in environments meant to nurture and protect vulnerable children.

To give you a little background.

Let me tell you the story of one of the first residents I ever worked with, Alex Lara. Looking back, he was one of the residents I felt that I had the strongest rapport with. Alex was a freshman in high school. He was a hefty kid who loved to play with his electronics. He was known as a hacker by his peers because Alex could log into anything. An example was the school computer, which was only designed to go on certain websites. He figured out how to play online games with just a few clicks on the computer.

Alex still played with toys like a magnified art pencil kit and enjoyed looking for bugs with a friend from the little kid’s cottage. He had no family except a distant grandmother who picked him up one time around Christmas and a CASA worker who came to visit him once a month on family day. Alex struggled to take a shower and was the type of kid who didn’t care. The staff was not going to make him clean his room or take a shower no matter how hard they tried. As you can imagine, this frustrated staff.

He was one of the longest residents we ever had and would refer to me as the butterfly lady. I started to build rapport with Alex every day by walking him to school. During our walks, Alex would say things like:

• “Miss, you’re too nice to the kids. You cook for us all the time and I’ve never seen anyone do that for us. Trust me, I’ve been in this group home for a very long time!” 
• “Miss, you have to start being more strict with these kids or you are going to lose your job! I like you, so that’s why I am telling you!”  
• “Miss, I never want to grow up, I want to be a kid forever!” 
• “Miss, I never want to mess with drugs. I don’t care how many times people ask me.  I’m not going to mess up my life!” 

The kid was honest with me and the things he said to me made me smile. I liked Alex and Alex liked me. He would always try and hug me and I didn’t mind because deep down I knew he was just a big kid stuck in a big boy’s body.

Alex usually stayed in his room because he was being bullied by three residents: Tayvon, Juan (younger than Alex), and Albert. All three were “friends,” but thinking back, were they really “friends” or were they just pretending so they didn’t get bullied like Alex. I think the latter is most likely!

Whenever the three bullies said anything, Alex would always wear a poker face and walk away, usually back into his room. The bullies would loudly shame Alex for his poor hygiene and overweight frame by saying: 

• “You’re fat!” 
• “Go take a shower!” 
• “You smell!” 

So life for Alex was tough. As a treatment counselor, I wish I could have done more.

Superman cookies

Alex seemed very agitated one day after school. He wanted to be moved to a different cottage because he was being bullied. He expressed this to the staff multiple times and the staff mentioned his demand to the unit manager, but nothing was done. So Alex took matters into his own hands; when the unit manager approached the cottage, he went up to her and in a very combative tone (which maybe wasn’t the right way to come across the unit manager) said, “Hey! If you don’t move me, I am going to beat up Juan! Because he is bothering me and bullying me and I want to move to a different cottage!”

The unit manager didn’t take this information very well. Rather than saying, “Why don’t you come into my office and we can talk about it,” she said: “Oh, so you think you have the guts to beat up Juan? Now you’re brave. I don’t think so, Alex. You’re not a tough kid. You don’t like to fight other kids, I know you! And you’re just talking. You’re all talk! Did you eat Superman cookies today, Alex? So now you think you’re brave? Now you think you’re strong because you ate Superman cookies? Who gave you Superman cookies, Alex?

The unit manager scanned the floor and asked the staff standing around: “Did you guys give Alex superman cookies today?” I was standing near Alex and when the unit manager looked at me, I shook my head, because I didn’t know what to do. The other staff shook their heads and together they all laughed. I did not participate in the laugh, but I did nod my head, which solidified that I agreed with the unit manager.

Looking back, I am very ashamed of myself. I never wanted Alex to feel bullied by staff as well! Next, the unit manager said, “Does Juan even know you’re threatening to beat him up?” After hearing all the staff laugh, Alex basically started screaming and crying. And when Juan came walking by the cottage the manager said to Juan: “Did you know Alex wanted to beat you up?” Juan responded with “No?” and in effect wanted to fight him.

Staff redirected Juan and told him to go into the cottage, which he did. Once Juan walked into the cottage, Alex started to bang on the door and bang on the windows like he really wanted to attack Juan. All the while, screaming and yelling and crying, which hurt me to see him act this way. Staff restrained Alex.

This all resulted from how the cottage manager handled the situation. She was a bully just like those kids who were bullying Alex. And all Alex wanted to do was to get away from the kids in his cottage that were bullying him. He had every right to ask the unit manager.

In my impression, the unit manager did not like Alex because he was not cleaning his room. He was not taking a shower. And he was not running his program. The unit manager knew the staff was getting frustrated because they were obligated to clean Alex’s room if he didn’t for licensing. If the staff weren’t happy, it was a matter of time before the unit manager knew that Alex had to go. And this made the unit manager frustrated. So there was no way she was going to help him out in any way!

They did him dirty

Thinking about Alex still puts a knot in my throat when I think back on the day he left because I was unable to say goodbye. The unit manager and director thought it was best if the treatment counselors packed up all his belongings in trash bags while he was in school. His social worker was there to pick up Alex after school and grabbed all his belongings and put them in the back of her vehicle. Alex was being transferred to a different group home.

Before Alex could walk back from school, he was approached by a police officer who told him to get inside the police car. From a distance, I saw Alex put down his head and follow the officer’s instructions.

I regret not walking over and saying goodbye to Alex. The fact he was leaving unexpectedly was shocking to me. I didn’t know if saying goodbye would make matters worse, so I watched through the window about 160 feet away as Alex was taken off in the police car!

Later that day, I asked the campus supervisor, where Alex was going. No one knew. I thought maybe he would call his friend Carlos but he never received any phone calls. I never saw Alex again.

I always wondered what happened to Alex and if he is happy? He was a good kid who didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was. No child does, regardless if they follow their program or not.